This is actually a continuation of my post below... Juz wanted to say how I'm feeling and goin thru now... NYJC juz had CCA bazaar juz now, and I actually had a CCA in mind. A CCA that's slack and interesting to me, IT Club. But unfortunately, there isn't such a CCA in NYJC. So I had to go hunt for another CCA to join. What's worse than having no IT Club in NYJC is, There isn't an alternative which is slack and interesting enough for me to join...

Great... So I ended up choosing Biz Club, which is basically Entrepreneur or Business Club. Slack is slack but I dun realli have the interest in it. Guess I may not last long there. There's another problem now. I doubt I can get into Biz Club anyway, cuz the sign-up form's as long as 3 pages, which is about 50 students!? Yeah... I'm one of the last few there... So the chance is so slim... Then wat other CCA can I get into?? Badminton? My interest but I doubt they'll want me. Bowling? It's so expensive, my parents wont allow me. Choir!? HA...HA... My voice definitely wont make it, but if there's something like KBOX Club, hehe... I'll definitely be the first to sign up without fail. I still cant believe they don't have IT Club. There aren't any of the CCAs I wanna join too, Pool Club, Bridge Club... They have nothing! T.T

So this choosing of CCA's one reason for my discomfort, and oso THE reason I want to elaborate for now. Other reasons I guess is all written in My Reflection which is below this post. Like no idea what course I should take for university, whether I can make it for GP, can I take the stress in JC etc etc... Right now, I'm staying in NYJC due to computer engineering. But that may change, and if that ever happens, I'll have to resort to extreme measures... Don't ask me wat measures, cuz I have absolutely no idea what measures I can take... Suicide?? extreme enough...

Today, I get to go home early. Yet I have this feeling that I dun even belong to NYJC. It's like I'm completely redundant in school. Or perhaps, completely redundant in this society. I juz feel empty, like what I experienced back in YJC, but I noe this time's not as bad as the previous one. Guess I'm suffering another relapse of 'paranoism' again.

During today's GP lesson, the lecturer was talking about this GP being a subject to seek for a need to feed one's mind and blah blah crap, utterly bullshit. However, I noe deep within myself, I need to seek for something, something important, something that can cure this 'paranoism' I'm facing, but I've no idea what is this I'm seeking, nor any clue of where I can find this remedy.

I think, maybe becuz I've played too much during the 1st three months. That's y I'm feeling like this when I'm wanting to settle down for 'A' level now. I need some thrills and joy in my life. On the other hand, I'm not too sure whether thrills and joy are the only things I need.

I'm still lost in my own space. I still have no idea what course I wanna take in University. Honestly, I think me entering NYJC is already a big mistake. During economics lecture today, one econs teacher said something like "If u've no intention of getting an 'A' level cert and goin into University, U should go to Poly instead." At that instant, I asked myself, 'Do I want to get into University.' I mean, I've no idea what I want my future to be. I've no idea what course to take. I dun even think I've that eager and intention to get into University. Isn't that bad?

My point is, I'd love to get on wif life like anyone, absorbing more knowledge and skills in my progress, but what I'm goin thru now is like, taking a step at a time. I've completely no plan to my future. I juz go what I think I can go and like to go. If u were to ask me where I wanna go afterschool, my answer's always the same, "I duno."

I have no mind of my own. I'll juz blindly walk on the path that's laid in front of me, be it a dead-end or a cross-junction, I'll juz randomly choose a path and continue my journey. Oh.. I guess I found the answer thru these blabbering. Maybe this whole concept of walking blindly's the source of my mistakes, mistakes I've caused to myself, my frens and everyone I noe... mistakes that wouldn't have occur if I'm not in this world. Right... It all links now, I see it... I'm redundant in this world.

These few days I've thought over me, myself and those around me... I think I've made too many mistakes le... I've done too many wrongs to everything. I've made wrong decisions, not only to myself, but to my frens too. I've done, not only wrongs to myself, but mistakes to my frens too, causing them too much problems and trouble... It's all my fault.

I cant really pin-point what I've done wrong, and some cases I shouldnt be writing out here too, but I noe I'm involved in these scenarios which resulted in their problems they face now. Perhaps if I wasn't there to voice out my comment or opinion, all these situations would not have surfaced at all... It's all my fault

I'm trying to dump all these thoughts off my mind, but it's useless. The more I try to savage these situations, the more problems it'll appear. I wanna give my very best to help myself and my frens since it's all my wrongdoings, but I find myself helpless towards them. Totally helpless and useless. My guilty conscience's killing me... but I couldnt save myself, how else can I save them? Once again, I'm feeling helpless and useless...

It's all my fault... Forgive me...

I have a surprise to share wif everyone today! I actually met my very close primary school buddy in NYJC today! I cant believe this shit!

During Primary school, we're always hanging out and playing soccer together. Many times we go each other's house to play our favourite game at that time, M&M6 hahaz... Still remember the times when he'll come my house to guide my game chars through difficult places, especially the one through the Dragon and Titan camp hahaz... I still remember clearly during the Dragon camp when he made my chars casted Fly and start shooting the Dragons when flying around the whole Dragon camp lolz... It was fantastic till an anti-climax surfaced. The spell vanished. The spell Fly has a time limit, so then my chars end up plunging down to the ground, which is equivalent to death and restart of the game again LoLz...

For the last 4 years in Secondary school, I wanted to call him... I even remember his house no, surprisingly, he remembers mine too lolz. Yet we didnt call each other, cuz firstly, I was afraid he had changed his no, and secondly, what should I say when I got through to him? Now that he's in NYJC too, my dream of seeing this old buddy again finally comes true. Thank whoever makes my dream come true...

Yay~ I got into NYJC~ Cool rite! I was so worried I may get into my 2nd choice which is IJC... Well... I have nothing to fear now, so I'll juz blabble whatever I can think of..

Ya, today I finally get to blog, and is oso the day I got my results. Double happiness! hehe... Though many of my frens got into NYJC too, but I have 2 frens in particular who cant get in, and they ended up in IJC... I've asked them to go appeal today le. One of them, SiMin, should be goin down later but the other fren... well, hope u're goin down to appeal too, appealing is better than doin nothing lor.. Don't worry, I'll be behind both of u hehe! Best is get to see the principal. Then u'll get to tell him/her how sincere and desperate u r in wanting to get into NYJC hahaz...

I wanted to say so many things one after havnt not blog for almost a month... But suddenly, all those things I wanna say r like, either vanished from my mind in a split second, or I find them too irrelevant wif the topic I wanna say today le, so maybe I'll post them some other day bah...

To: The Special Someone...

每年就这天最特别 祝你开心 十年
虽然蜡烛是老一点 可是开心 十年
还想和你再手牵手 走过开心 十年
现在 就在烛光 脸靠脸

OH 亲爱的请别惊讶 时空变换一样爱你
祝你开心 十年

OH 亲爱的请别哭泣 点燃回忆吹熄伤心
祝你开心 十年 多么幸运彼此遇见
柴米油盐才最可贵 呼呼

This is terrible... My L1R5's not that bad... but I cant believe others are scoring as well as me... should I be disappointed or relieved? Well.. I expected myself to get 11 points, and it turned out 12. So should be alright rite? But when I hear from my frens that there're like 7 out of 10 frens scoring less than 15 points, how should I react? Worse, out of these 10 frens, 6 or 7 actually wanna go into Nanyang JC, which is, unfortunately, my first choice too. Juz my frens alone already got so many wanna enter NYJC. How can I not get nervous and worried?

Till now, I still havnt submit my JAE yet. Cuz I've no idea what I should enter for my choices... I only had NYJC and IJC in mind. AJC's still challenging for me. Their intense environment will only make me turn crazy. 24hrs per day's studying's too much for me. Furthermore, I doubt my score can take me in. Other than AJC,NYJC and IJC, the rest of the JCs are either too far or too much for me. RJC? impossible. Not even a chance in AJC, why should I think about RJC. YJC? Forget it. I'll never step into YJC again. I juz dun like that JC. Dun ask y. CJC? Nah. A little far and their science courses sux. SRJC? Haha... Beat it.

So it finally boils down to Polytechnics. I duno wat's stopping me from putting Poly in my choice. Maybe it's becuz of the puny chance of getting into University from Poly? Or maybe it's becuz of the 3 yrs of education in Poly compared to 2 yrs in JC? Perhaps I'm getting too paranoid again. But, heh, I've time till next monday hehez... I'll juz slowly take my time in my decision.

I'm considering of taking LEP(Chinese) in NYJC. If I take that, I'll definitely make it into NYJC, cuz it's be a further 2 bonus points into my L1R5. but look at the disadvantages. Right now, I'm happy wif my 4 'A' subjects, namely maths c, physics, econs and computing. However, If I have to take LEP(Chinese), one of my 'A' subjects will become an opportunity cost for Higher Chinese, and that subject's most probably Physics... I dun wanna forgo Physics, cuz id I do so, I'll lose my chance to get into engineering course in University. That's the first disadvantage. Second, everyday I'll have to deal wif Tang poems, modern novels, classic ones too like "Hong Lou Meng". That's crap rite... and there'll be tons of projects to do till I have to go home very very late... Well.. too many disadvantages le... so I'm in a dilemma now... Someone give me some guidance plz...

Father father father help us~ Send some guidance from above~ 'Cause people got me, got me questionin'~ Where is the love~