人有分兩种，一種是給的，另一種是接受的。我是認爲人有這樣的分別，但那是在於你真正經歷過什麽是給而不求回報，和接受卻不付出后才能理解的。而我，就認爲我已經歷過這一切了。

以前，我就是個自私自利的人，很少會幫他人做事，卻一直利用他們幫我達成任務。這種只接受不付出的道理，我深深明白。如今，我變了，但卻不知這變化是不是自願的。現在的我，很希望能夠幫上忙，很希望朋友需要我的幫助，一旦有人求助於我，我一定竭盡所能幫助他，但俗話説“江山易改，本性難移”，我不相信一直以來自私自利的人會突然完全在一瞬間變得很樂於幫助別人。話雖如此，我真正想說的是：我的改變，可能不是只有表面上來的簡單。

近日來，我又變得很孤單，很孤僻。因爲我的遭遇讓我感到很孤獨。可能是我太敏感了，但我一直有這感覺，所有人都不喜歡我，甚至嫌棄我。理由我不想說，也沒必要說。這感覺，已在我心裏一段時間了，但我找不到人哭訴。我多麽愛護我與我朋友之間的友誼，也很珍惜與他們在一起的日子，甚至天天都很期待囘學院，就是因爲能和他們在一起，可一切變得不對了。仿佛什麽事發生了，我漸漸覺得我被疏遠了。朋友之間不是沒有層次的嗎？那爲何我覺得我不屬於他們那一國的呢？這些種種讓我想起我中學時的時光，我們一群人多麽快樂，我不但不覺得被排斥，我還甚至和他們很親密，每天除了上課時間外都會在一起，久久不分離。可如今呢，我想和他們在一起的期望不知不覺中被狠狠地打碎了。難道說，付出，就是這種待遇嗎？還是說，我這樣付出，其實不因該要回報，所以也不要有任何期望？

如今的我，算是個付出的人吧。願意幫忙，願意陪伴，但沒有人領情。我是不是應該抱這只付出，不要求回報的態度，與朋友在一起。那誰來實現我想與朋友搭上更親近的友誼的橋梁的願望呢？我幫忙，也是希望我能被視爲他們的朋友，這一點私心有錯嗎？難道，是我所前進的方向錯了，搞得大家誤會我了……我想，這一切的種種，也只有時間才能證明我是太多度敏感了，還是我不值得大家的重視……

Once again I feel lonely. It's like suddenly all my frens aren't around, aren't there for me. What happens to the wonderful times we had together. Were those juz an act for good memories? I treasured the friendships we had so deeply. I may seem ignorant and detached when we were together, but does anyone notice, i'm always there wherever u guys go? I could juz leave, anytime on my own, but no, I want, and I need someone there for me. Even if it's going to be juz 2 persons having to sit somewhere and not talk for an hour, I'm thankful and grateful already.

I've always tried to be there for them. To help them, to communicate wif them, and have fun wif them, but at many times, I'm juz lost for words. I'm more of a listener and a talker when in a group. But do u guys acknowledge that? I hope u all do... I would love to be as charismatic as some of u do, but a person has his own limits, and I noe my limits in this area...

But wat do I get for my loyalty and faith in them? What do I get for working so hard to be wif them? So much for the effort I put in to get close to them. I juz feel so isolated and alone all of a sudden.

I've been reflecting. What wrongs have I done. And i noe at times I've said things I shouldn't have said, and I'm very sorry bout it, but words juz suddenly came out of my mouth... Cuz my intention is realli to juz reply. I'm fragile, I cant take harsh words like they're juz meant to be a casual remark. A slight tone and behaviour can get me suspicious and it easily affects my mood and thoughts. I noe i'm too sensitive, but if my suspicion happens most of the times amongst my frens, tell me how can i not believe in my inference...

So much for the J1 level camp. So much for the barbeque we had together. I thought it's all goin to be fun in JC, makes me enjoy JC life everyday (I still do, still like being wif u guys, though alone, but at least u all were there physically). Now, it's starting to make me miss my secondary schoolmates so much... And all my 1st 3 months frens I've made... U all seem so far away... I'm all alone...