I wrote this only today cuz I realli didnt have the time nor strength to write... Now that I have the time, I guess I better tok bout it... This camp brings me many things, confusion and apprehension, teamwork and solo responsibility, boredom and excitement, and many contradicting craps I'm lazy to point out now... I'll only tok bout the first day now.. cuz it's quite a long story.. bout how I suffered some mental disorder and how I refused to do something...

On the first day, it's mainly juz crapping and preaching, tok about what everything that happens are our own responsibility. The moment someone says it's someone else's fault, we have to point our finger at him or her and "oh ho...". Lame rite... Basically this camp's about making choices and believe in trust la... First day after the the preaching, we had an activity to do, which is to stand on the table and hollow out our goals to our classmates. May sound easy, but it's to be done in the hall... ya, our camp's in the hall... and the audience will be acting according to wat our facilitators tell us to act as to see how determined is the speaker in achieving his or her goals. Get the point?

Anyway, I didnt go. Not that I missed the chance to do so, but I made a choice not to. U all may say that I'm a coward la, dun dare go up, well... a little actually, stage fright... but honestly, I'm not ready to tell everyone my ultimate goal in life... Our facilitator told us that those who didnt say their goals r mainly either they duno wat to expect from their goals or they're afraid to succeed in their goals. However, I dun think this way, instead, I long to succeed, long to accomplish my goal, but i dare not say my goals to another, cuz I'm afraid I'll be restrain to juz accomplishing my goals when perhaps I could have done much more and better... I'm afraid if I declare my goals, I'll only juz push towards those goals, not beyong it... Till now, I never told anyone my ultimate goals, only those superficial goals like 'A' lvl pass and graduate from university, that's all. The furthest goal I told is to my best buddy, Shawn. Now I'm telling all of u out there... to design the best MMORPG game. Still, this is not the ultimate goal in life, I wont say for now... not now... yet...

I keep thinking bout whether what I did, keeping my goal to myself, is a correct choice, cuz in this way, I cant get the support of my frens, and I seem a little selfish in this way... But I noe, One day, I'll have the chance to tell my frens, one day they'll understand wat I have in mind...

Actually, after the whole activity, we had sharing session, that was the time when I keep having these thoughts in my mind. After the sharing session, the main speaker had a volunteer to tok to everyone in the hall about how he or she feels. At that point of time, I wanted to go out and tok bout my thoughts. I juz wanted to pour out everything about the goals I've kept in me.. Fortunately or sadly, I didnt volunteer. Or else if I told everyone about my goals, I'll be contradicting myself, about wat restraining myself to my goals, yet still goin up there to declare my goals to everyone when I didnt do so in front of my frens... Blahx.. My English too weak, hope u all understand wat I'm trying to say...

Anyway, there was more to how I felt at that time, there's more than juz struggling to contain my goals within me... I juz cannot explain all at once... Feelings are something that's so difficult to express in terms of words. How I wish I can share but, it's beyond my language capability...